Friday, January 27, 2012

Limitless Reviews is NO MORE

Blogger is good, Wordpress is better. All these posts have been moved to ThisTrailerSucks.Wordpress.Com and I will continue reviewing trailers, games old and new, and just about anything else I can think of over there. So.... go now!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Dark Knight Rises Trailer Review

So, I am not going to lie. This looks pretty bad ass.

I first saw this trailer in the theater while waiting for Under World to begin (BTW go see that movie if you have not already). The trailer opens with some little bastard singing our national anthem at a football game, and sadly the singing continues throughout the first half of the trailer. Then it cuts to some scene were Bruce and Alfred are having a little heart to heart about how Alfred failed at protecting Bruce and broke his promise to Bruce's parents.

Don't beat yourself up too much Alfred, I mean after all Bruce's BILLIONAIRE parents did ask a fucking BUTLER to look after their son. They must have never seen the classic Disney movie Aristocats.

That always bothered me about Batman. I mean why would Bruce's parents leave a butler in charge of their son? And were are all the other servants in Wayne Manor? You're telling me this old geezer can keep up with all the upkeep required in that place? No way. NO. FUCKING. WAY.

Anyway, lets get back on topic. We get a good look at BAINE in this trailer and really what can I say that hasn't already been said? I am not sure how they are going to pull this one off. But to be honest I was weary about Heath Ledger as the Joker in Dark Knight so this could go either way. Lets just hope he does not end up looking like Bo Abobo from Double Dragon.

It's also hinted that Commissioner Gordon is going to be out of a job soon because he is a 'war hero' and this i a time of peace. I am excited to see how they work Cat Woman into this movie, you only get a glimpse of her in the trailer and in that scene she is warning Bruce that the shit is about to hit the fan. How she knows this, I am not sure. Maybe this movie will ge really griddy and we will see Anne Hathaway take a dump in a litter pan and turn her melevolent shits into some sort of exsplosive to aid Batman. THAT would be Oscar worthy.

I do like that this movie seems to want to send an additional message. I think this story is going to be really relevant to how things are going in the U.S. right now and hit on some serious issues.

The special effect's are awesome too. I really love the scene of the entire football field just crumbling beneath the players feet. But I am not so happy about whatever flying drone is chasing the bat mobile later on the trailer. Looks a little too much like terminator and that is not a good look for anybody.

Overall this trailer really makes you want to pay the 20.00 theaters will charge.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Resident Evil Retribution Trailer Review

Here We Go Again.

Would someone please explain to me how they keep getting Milla Jovovich to keep starring in these fucking movies?

Uhg, on with the review.

This trailer opens up with everyone holding some form of a cell phone/tablet saying "this is my world" which I really don't understand. Are we to accept that after the end of the last movie the human race goes back to normal andwe all decided to go out and buy fucking iPads? Weren't they on a ship in the middle of the ocean in the last one? Whothe fuck knows, anyway after we see about 6 people all happy as shit with their social media devices the camera shows the other  side of earth and it gets really stupid. The camera zooms in on ALICE dressed like Raiden circa MGS2 standing on top of the WHITE HOUSE while foul winged hell beasts flap around her.

Are you fucking kidding me? She is on top of the fucking white house with fucking dragons?! It gets even better, after that we are shown glimpses of scenes all more ridiculous than the last. There is an image of the RES characters climbing up what I am assuming is Mt. Everest, a car being chased by a T-Rex/Rhino/WhogivesaFUCK, and there's even a Halo Reach Helicopter shooting at Alice at 54 sec.

Uncanny resemblance, I know.

I think the best part of the trailer is right at the end when Alice is whipping people with chains in an all white room. That really connected with me as a RES gamer because I totally remember the part in all the RES when you beat the shit out of people with chains (LAWL). You couldn't pay me to go see this giant waste of time.

Mobile Review

 Unblock Me

Unblock me is a game free to download on iTunes and the Android market. I first was introduced to it one night while I was searching the Android market for a good time waster app. When I found Unblock Me it was love at first sight.

Basically, the objective is to move the red block through the passageway. You accomplish this by moving the other blocks around until a clear path is formed. Since there is no story line I suggest making up your own to make things a bit more interesting. For instance I named my red block "Harold" and in my story line Harold is about to shit his pants and needs to get to the bathroom but all these other fucking blocks are in the way! It really creates a sense of urgency and leaves me asking questions like:

- What did Harold eat?
- Does he have I.B.S.?
- Will there be toilet paper when he gets there?

See what I mean? Anyway,the puzzles in Unblock Me are quite challenging. Sometimes  I find myself staring at the screen and trying to will and exit to appear with my eye balls, and when that doesn't work I just close the app and go on a 2 hour Facebook "like" spree.  

BOTTOM LINE: Its a really straight forward game. One main objective, BUT Its FREE so why not download it? 

Friday, January 20, 2012

Dead Island Review



Trapped on a resort Island that's inhabited with hordes of the undead, drivable vehicles, leveling up... did I mention zombies?! Sounds awesome right? WRONG!

Dead Island had an awesome trailer, remember? The trailer showcases a family on vacation when the outbreak takes place and it is very emotional. The trailer also featured a really great song (that's never played during game play ONCE) and it really looked like Dead Island was going to make a more sophisticated zombie game. But it saddens me to report that the actual game is almost NOTHING like the trailer.

The game starts with a video shot through the perspective of some high/drunk asshole (Charlie Sheen?) wandering about the resort stumbling into people and generally pissing people off and even stealing some poor dying girls medication right off the bathroom floor, all the while some ridiculous rap song called "Who Do You Voodoo Bitch" pumps in the background.

It was at this point in the game that I suspected I had been lied to and led astray by the trailer. But I decided to continue playing. After the video is over the game demanded I pick between four of the most retarded characters I have ever seen. Your options are as follows:

1-Worthless Asian hotel desk clerk
2-Ex-Red Neck Football player with a bum knee
3-Washed up rapper responsible for the "Who Do You Voodoo" bullshit of a song. This guys is probably the most laughable, he has a doo-rag on and a full on leather trench coat. (Morpheus? Lawl.)
4-Foxy Cleopatra

I decided to go with the football player because the others were just too ridiculous to even be considered. I want to stress that the first 10 minutes of the game are the best out of the entire campaign. You really feel a sense of urgency to get the hell out of that hotel and meet up with the other survivors and there are a few surprises waiting for you before you leave. But after you meet up with the other survivors it becomes clear what you are going to be doing for the next 15 hours.

The main objective is to get off the island and everyone who has survived aside from you might as well be dead. These people cant do fuck for themselves. You have to feed them, bring them water, bring them cars, you name it they need it and that's all you do. Some of the worthless bastards even make requests like "can you bring me a bottle of champagne". They should have given you the option to kill off the especially annoying survivors and use them as meat bags to distract the zombies. Not that you really need to distract the zombies, they are no challenge at all.

I was given a variety of weapons to choose form in D.I. but the best one by far was my characters own right foot. For some reason my single foot could send multiple zombies flying backwards through the air, even though he had a supposedly "bum knee". LIES!!!

BOTTOM LINE: I'm not really convinced Dead Island knew what it was suppose to be. It had potential for greatness but after all the back tracking and babysitting the other survivors it wound up playing more like an M Rated Nintendogs.

Rewind Review


Altered Beast Pictures, Images and Photos 

When I was a young Altered Beast scared the shit out of me. You play as a hero who is literally raised from the dead by what would appear to be Zeus or some other God to rescue a girl who has been captured by an albino man draped in a purple cloth. Come to think of it he guy actually looks a lot like Powder.


Striking resemblance, I know. 

Anyway, while I played it almost weekly when I was younger on the Sega Genesis I never was able to beat the game. So when I heard that it was going to be featured on the Genesis Collection for PS3 I went out and got a copy. Obviously this time around I was older and wiser and expected to easily beat this albino bastard and finally rescue the girl. Not the case.

Altered Beast was every bit as challenging as I remembered it to be. I even tried co-op mode and figured the game would be a little more manageable with another player but not at all. Some of the enemies in Altered Beast are impossible to hit without taking any damage, and while there are opportunities to "Power Up" you never receive any health. This is likely due to the fact that it was originally an arcade game and the developers had to think of a way to get kids to keep pumping in quarters, but this should have been changed when they decided to release it onto consoles.

Another thing that surprised me about Altered Beast this time around is how short the game actually is. Four levels and four bosses. Then you are done. Really the only challenging part about the game is the health issue but on the PS3 there is a save mode. After hours of trying to beat the game without using the save mode I finally broke down and just said "fuck it". If you are saving constantly you can beat the game in under 15 minutes.

BOTTOM LINE: All in all I think that Altered Beast was one of my favorite titles on the Genesis. It was scary, the transformations your characters takes on are all pretty cool, excluding the one when you become a bear. The bear just looked to cute to be in an underground hell dimension.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Resident Evil 6 Trailer Review


When I clicked the 'play' button I was not sure what to expect. A long list of possible protagonist's came to my mind. Chris, Jill, or maybe they would acknowledge the movies and Alice would take the lead. Imagine my horror when that familiar bowl cut came into view.

In RES6 the town of Tall Oaks has gone bat shit crazy and all that stands between them and total annihilation is, you guessed it, Leon S. Kennedy. The first 30 seconds of the trailer are spent watching Leon twirl like a ballerina and talk to some blonde woman who will without a doubt have to be escorted from place to place a shoved into dumpsters for "safe keeping". I was so disgusted that I almost closed the tab completely but then something bad ass happened.

Chris Redfield is also in the game and it would seem he is used in a main part of the story. The trailer shows Chris running through streets infested with members of the un dead and shows off a pretty good over the shoulder camera angle of him cutting through zombies with a semi automatic weapon. But it gets even better, towards the end of the trailer we are introduced to a brand new character in the RES series. No name is given but it seems that this new bald zombie killer may have an antidote to the virus hidden in his DNA and he too has a female sidekick who will no doubt be on dumpster duty too.

Multiple storylines? I like. Too bad we have to wait until November.

Resident Evil 6 Announced

Capcom has just confirmed there will be a new installment in the Resident Evil franchise later this year. You can view the first glimpse of RE6 here. The new installment will be produced by Hiroyuki Kobayashi (Resident Evil 4).

Capcom had this to say about their new title: "It has been ten years since the Raccoon City incident and the President of the United States has decided to reveal the truth behind what took place in the belief that it will curb the current resurgence in bioterrorist activity. Due to be by the President's side is his personal friend and Raccoon City survivor, Leon S. Kennedy, but when the venue suffers a bioterrorist attack, Leon is forced to face a President transformed beyond recognition and make his hardest ever decision. At the same time, Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance member Chris Redfield arrives in China, itself under threat of a bioterrorist attack. With no country safe from these attacks and the ensuing outbreaks, the entire world's population is united by a common fear that there is no hope left." 

It has also been released that the itle will be available exclusivley for XBOX 360 this November and available on Wii, PS3, and PC some time after.

Rewind Review

L.A. Noir (XBOX 360)  

To be honest the only reason I even picked this game up was because the local Block Buster FINALLY CLOSED their doors and I was able to purchase Noir for 11 dollars. I am glad that I did not spend much more on it than that.

Set in Hollywood in the late 1940's you play as Cole Phelps and work your way up from a regular deputy to homicide detective. Sounds good in theory, and with Rockstar being involved this game certainly seemed to spike a lot of interest. Mainly because people thought this would be like Grand Theft Auto set in the 40's. Not at all. If you want to have any chance of enjoying Noir don't go into it expecting it to be anything like GTA, if you do you will be really disappointed.

There is really know roaming around the city allowed, you just go form mission to mission. The only time you can drive around and openly explore the city is when you are suppose to be on your way to a crime scene. But you are not allowed to do anything while driving around. You can't enter any stores, purchase any new clothes, or even senselessly beat the shit out of random people you see walking around on the streets of L.A.. So in summation, there is no real point to doing anything other than the missions.

Being allowed to only do mission after mission is not ALWAYS a bad thing when it is done right. I mean, I like a good linear story just as much as the next person. But the missions in L.A. Noir just sort of blend together after a while. It is the same routine over and over again: Go to the crime scene and walk around until your control vibrates to find clues and then proceed to drive to 50 other locations. Occasionally there is a shoot-out but for the most part the game is just you walking around waiting for your controller to vibrate.

As far as game play goes controlling Phelps is a task in itself. He runs slower than any character I have played in a video game to date and trying to get him to take a closer look at clues can be a real pain in the ass. Also, I am not sure if it was because I chose to play it on the XBOX or not but the game definitely has some problems when it comes to shading. Sometimes during game play shades on the floor or around my character will look like blocks and flicker.

BOTTOM LINE: I wish I could say that I disliked this game just because there was no free roam but it is flawed all around. I would recommend buying it if you can get your hands on it for $10.00 or less.